Sunday, February 4, 2007


It's amazing to me how perspective works.

Look at a window. It's a rectangle with glass and wood, and it opens and shuts. That doesn't change. (Well. Unless you decide to re-glaze or go for aluminum or what-all.) Depending on my mood or the time of day or where I sit, that window becomes a mirror, a heat source, a distraction, a picture.

My funk had me in deep grips. It affected everything I did and poorly, too. I couldn't summon a smile, couldn't care about my desk getting messy, couldn't care about a deadline creeping ever closer - just couldn't care. I thought for sure I could wait it out.

Have you ever had a medical pain or condition, and you held off calling the doctor because you thought, "surely it's going to start getting better tomorrow; I can wait." And you push yourself to wait and the pain is getting intense and it's reached it's peak but it's not going away and you cry "Whatever! Make me an appointment!" And sure enough, the day of your appointment arrives and the pain has lessened. In fact, you're starting to feel happy again.

Is it truly psychological? Or is it perspective? Subconciously are we thinking, "Now that I've handed it off to someone else, it's *their* problem and I can relax" so we metaphorically exhale and feel better for it? Is that a perspective of coming off the problem to the other side and feeling the burden lift from the soul?

I basically went to my principal on Friday and unloaded everything on him. He's a wonderful, warm, caring person, but I'm sure I had him flummoxed. (Cool word.) He's willing to do what I want, but he's convinced before he even begins that he won't get approval and that he'll look worse for asking for it. Had I not been in the grips, I might have said "I understand. I'll just have to suck it up." I might have said, "No, you have too much. Let me just see if I can get through this for another YEAR."

No, I held firm. I want this problem resolved because it's the best thing for the children I teach and for my mental health. I'm not going to suck up any more mess just because I don't want to make someone else uncomfortable. I want, I need, I asked.

Now that I'm on the other side of those feelings, it is positively amazing that I'm sleeping, I'm laughing, I have energy returned, and I'm happily writing lesson plans. I took my pain to the doctor and gave it into his hands, and now I can stop obsessing about "what should I do????"

If things don't work out, I have implied that I will look for a position elsewhere. It's not a threat, it's a realization that this is what I need to be healthy. And if I can't find another position, then I might go back to substitute teaching (although I think I'd rather slit my wrists). I don't know. I just don't feel the pressing need to obsess about that right now. It feels like I'll be okay.

And just so there's some knitting in here today, my LYS is having a Super Bowl Sale, and I'll be looking for Cascade 220 for THE PERFECT SWEATER . That's a later object, because my Fricknits wool has been earmarked for SERRANO . (Sorry for the shouting. Blogger doesn't like Mac, and won't let me bold, italicize, or underscore. That's the only way I can let you know there's a linky-dink.)

1 comment:

miss ewe said...

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.
So... where is "the perfect sweater"??? I can't get a link here!